Tender Mercies

This isn't going to be easy, but I've got to blog my feelings about recent events now for several reasons. First, because the experiences are fresh and I don't want to forget how the Lord has watched over us. Second, because talking about difficult things helps me to heal, and writing about them has the same healing affects. Third, because if I have to look at the picture and post about the ultrasound everytime I open my blog it's going to kill me, but I don't want to erase it either because it's part of our family's history. So here goes..

This past Friday morning, on New Year's Day, Tim woke up with a desire to go up north to visit his siblings and their families for the weekend. Being a Langford, I have an inbred ability to pick up and go on a trip on short notice, having run off to California for family vacations on numerous occasions at a moment's notice. :) So, we spent the morning packing and headed up to Tami and Darren's house in Lehi. We spent Friday afternoon and evening hanging out with family and eating way too much yummy food.

Saturday morning at 4 I woke up and notice I was bleeding a little bit. Having had two previous miscarriages, I completely flipped out. I spent the day ocillating between weak hope, grief, devastation, fear, comfort from the Holy Ghost, and back to grief and fear again. By that night I was certain I was losing this baby. I was completely devastated. Taylor had also started having intense stomach flu symptoms, vomitting every 15 minutes or so. This was more than I could bear, and thank heavens for our wonderful angel Aunt Tami who took care of him. I was lying on the bed with him, but if he woke up to vomit and Tami wasn't there, he'd look at me and ask, "Where Tami?" then start calling, "Aunt Tami, Aunt Tami!" She would of course drop everything to run up and help him. What a huge blessing and help to me!

The next morning around 4 the cramping got really intense and I ran to the bathroom and bled and bled like I've never bled before. By some miracle Tim heard me calling his name from the bathroom upstairs all the way in the basement where he was sleeping. The only explanation for this is that the Spirit woke him up. It's a good thing, too, because fairly soon after he got there I started feeling like I was going to pass out. I'll skip the gory details, but he got me to the hospital and my blood pressure was scary low-- the triage nurse said it was the lowest she'd seen. So that was another blessing-- because we were at Tami's we were able to leave the kids sleeping and in her care while Darren showed us the way to the American Fork hospital. And Darren was absolutely AMAZING through all this! I suggested he drive his own car and we'd follow him. I thought he'd get us there and rush home, as far away from the incredibly gross bleeding woman as fast as he could, like any man would. But, he didn't. He helped Tim get me inside, he stayed outside my room the whole time I was in the ER, he helped Tim give me a priesthood blessing, he stayed with Tim in the waiting room during my emergency d and c, and he even (this one still astounds me...) helped Tim clean up the mess I'd left when they got back to his house. Wow. And Tami was of course wonderful, too, taking care of the kids and then Tim when he got the stomach flu and them me when I got back to their house that night. She ended up with the flu the next day (poor Tami!). What a saint. And Tim's brother Ken had come over to help give me a blessing at 5 a.m. the morning I'd started bleeding, then he and his wife Nancy went and got a bunch of groceries for our puking, tired family Monday morning, completely going above and beyond the grocery list! My in-laws are all amazing and I love them so much!!

I also felt the prayers and support of my side of the family. My mom had called my siblings and asked them to fast for me Sunday morning. I absolutely felt the strength of those prayers!! While I was in the hospital all day Sunday, by myself after the surgery because Tim was sick, I felt so much peace and comfort. It was amazing!! I actually didn't feel alone at all, and I never usually like being by myself, but I was so exhausted that this turned out to be a blessing as well. I had lost so much blood that I had to have a transfusion. I was given 2 units of blood. I'm also very grateful to whoever donated that blood! It's taken about 2 weeks (I started this blog shortly after the ordeal, but didn't finish it until now....), but I'm finally getting my strength back and feeling so much better. It's amazing how much iron is essential for our bodies to function! I'm almost out of anemia-land and hope I never have to go back there again!

I've found through the experiences of my other miscarriages as well as the experience of my dad passing away that when we are first in a major crisis, the Holy Ghost steps in (if we let him) and sustains us. I think if I didn't have that comfort I would lose my mind. I've also found, however, that the level of comfort lessens a bit with time, if that makes sense. In some ways the loss of this baby is more difficult to deal with now than it was a few weeks ago. Not that the comfort is completely gone or anything-- it's there when I seek it. But my heart is broken. It's healing, but it's broken, and I suppose I need to let myself feel that and give myself time to heal. I'm also full of hope, because they found that I have a gene mutation that could be causing blood clots in my uterus and therefore miscarriages. So, next time I'm pregnant I can take medications that may be able to prevent this from happening again. But I'm also scared. I don't know if I can take this kind of heartbreak yet again. If I knew it would get this baby here, though, I'd do and go through anything! I guess this is where faith, prayer, and a whole lot of trust in the Lord come in. We'll have to fast and pray to know His will, and then go forward with faith.