Tender Mercies

This isn't going to be easy, but I've got to blog my feelings about recent events now for several reasons. First, because the experiences are fresh and I don't want to forget how the Lord has watched over us. Second, because talking about difficult things helps me to heal, and writing about them has the same healing affects. Third, because if I have to look at the picture and post about the ultrasound everytime I open my blog it's going to kill me, but I don't want to erase it either because it's part of our family's history. So here goes..

This past Friday morning, on New Year's Day, Tim woke up with a desire to go up north to visit his siblings and their families for the weekend. Being a Langford, I have an inbred ability to pick up and go on a trip on short notice, having run off to California for family vacations on numerous occasions at a moment's notice. :) So, we spent the morning packing and headed up to Tami and Darren's house in Lehi. We spent Friday afternoon and evening hanging out with family and eating way too much yummy food.

Saturday morning at 4 I woke up and notice I was bleeding a little bit. Having had two previous miscarriages, I completely flipped out. I spent the day ocillating between weak hope, grief, devastation, fear, comfort from the Holy Ghost, and back to grief and fear again. By that night I was certain I was losing this baby. I was completely devastated. Taylor had also started having intense stomach flu symptoms, vomitting every 15 minutes or so. This was more than I could bear, and thank heavens for our wonderful angel Aunt Tami who took care of him. I was lying on the bed with him, but if he woke up to vomit and Tami wasn't there, he'd look at me and ask, "Where Tami?" then start calling, "Aunt Tami, Aunt Tami!" She would of course drop everything to run up and help him. What a huge blessing and help to me!

The next morning around 4 the cramping got really intense and I ran to the bathroom and bled and bled like I've never bled before. By some miracle Tim heard me calling his name from the bathroom upstairs all the way in the basement where he was sleeping. The only explanation for this is that the Spirit woke him up. It's a good thing, too, because fairly soon after he got there I started feeling like I was going to pass out. I'll skip the gory details, but he got me to the hospital and my blood pressure was scary low-- the triage nurse said it was the lowest she'd seen. So that was another blessing-- because we were at Tami's we were able to leave the kids sleeping and in her care while Darren showed us the way to the American Fork hospital. And Darren was absolutely AMAZING through all this! I suggested he drive his own car and we'd follow him. I thought he'd get us there and rush home, as far away from the incredibly gross bleeding woman as fast as he could, like any man would. But, he didn't. He helped Tim get me inside, he stayed outside my room the whole time I was in the ER, he helped Tim give me a priesthood blessing, he stayed with Tim in the waiting room during my emergency d and c, and he even (this one still astounds me...) helped Tim clean up the mess I'd left when they got back to his house. Wow. And Tami was of course wonderful, too, taking care of the kids and then Tim when he got the stomach flu and them me when I got back to their house that night. She ended up with the flu the next day (poor Tami!). What a saint. And Tim's brother Ken had come over to help give me a blessing at 5 a.m. the morning I'd started bleeding, then he and his wife Nancy went and got a bunch of groceries for our puking, tired family Monday morning, completely going above and beyond the grocery list! My in-laws are all amazing and I love them so much!!

I also felt the prayers and support of my side of the family. My mom had called my siblings and asked them to fast for me Sunday morning. I absolutely felt the strength of those prayers!! While I was in the hospital all day Sunday, by myself after the surgery because Tim was sick, I felt so much peace and comfort. It was amazing!! I actually didn't feel alone at all, and I never usually like being by myself, but I was so exhausted that this turned out to be a blessing as well. I had lost so much blood that I had to have a transfusion. I was given 2 units of blood. I'm also very grateful to whoever donated that blood! It's taken about 2 weeks (I started this blog shortly after the ordeal, but didn't finish it until now....), but I'm finally getting my strength back and feeling so much better. It's amazing how much iron is essential for our bodies to function! I'm almost out of anemia-land and hope I never have to go back there again!

I've found through the experiences of my other miscarriages as well as the experience of my dad passing away that when we are first in a major crisis, the Holy Ghost steps in (if we let him) and sustains us. I think if I didn't have that comfort I would lose my mind. I've also found, however, that the level of comfort lessens a bit with time, if that makes sense. In some ways the loss of this baby is more difficult to deal with now than it was a few weeks ago. Not that the comfort is completely gone or anything-- it's there when I seek it. But my heart is broken. It's healing, but it's broken, and I suppose I need to let myself feel that and give myself time to heal. I'm also full of hope, because they found that I have a gene mutation that could be causing blood clots in my uterus and therefore miscarriages. So, next time I'm pregnant I can take medications that may be able to prevent this from happening again. But I'm also scared. I don't know if I can take this kind of heartbreak yet again. If I knew it would get this baby here, though, I'd do and go through anything! I guess this is where faith, prayer, and a whole lot of trust in the Lord come in. We'll have to fast and pray to know His will, and then go forward with faith.

It's a............ baby!!!

Here he or she is!! Our fuzzy little bundle of joy. Baby #5 is on its way to the Roberts family and we are all SO excited! If you look closely (and perhaps use a little imagination) you can see a tiny head on the left of the picture, and little arms and legs on the right. This was at my first appointment, about 3 weeks ago, and I was about 10 weeks along. My OB/GYN has been so great-- he says he'll do ultrasounds frequently to put our minds at ease after having two previous miscarriages. What a blessing to see the heartbeat and the baby moving around!! We are so grateful for our future new little one!!

Feeling Grateful

Today I had a million places to be at once. I had choir practice for the community's Handel's Messiah this morning from 9-12. I had forgotten to get Ashlee's shirt for her basketball game and needed to get it before I went home after the practice. Lindsey had a basketball clinic at 12 and Ashlee's game started on the other side of town at 1. As I was contemplating how in the world I was going to be several places at once, a thought struck me. With the pregnancy before last, I had lost the baby at this point. With the last pregnancy, I had injured my back at this point and was completely down in bed, then lost the baby 3 months later. Wow. Suddenly I was filled with gratitude that I had a million places to go and that I COULD go to them!! And that I am 11 weeks pregnant and everything is well! (I guess this would be my first official announcement on my blog-- I'm pregnant!)

With Tim's help we were able to get everyone where they needed to be and everything turned out great. This was the first practice of the "Messiah" with all of the solos and the orchestra. I cried from the very beginning as the orchestra played because it was so beautiful. Then I cried again when I heard for the first time one of the soloist sing, "I Know that My Redeemer Liveth". The Spirit was very strong the entire time, and bore witness to me again of Christ's divinity. I am so grateful that He is my Saviour! It is so amazing to be able to shout, "Wonderful, Councelor, The Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace!" and feel the power of those true words. Handel was truly inspired! I am grateful for people with amazing God-given musical talent who are willing to share with the rest of us! (And I'm hoping that I got all of my crying out so that I can keep it together for the performances tomorrow and Monday nights!)

It was fun to cheer Ashlee on in her first ever basketball game of the season, too. She is a go-getter! Ever time she is out on the court she gives it her best effort. I am very proud of her!

It was a great day overall. After a hectic morning, I came home and took a nap. :) I'm also grateful for a family who will let me do that and has been super patient with Mom's nausia, mood swings, and exhaustion. Not that I'm complaining about those symptoms, in fact, I'm thrilled at every reminder that I'm pregnant and that the pregnancy is viable. I had my first doctor's appointment this past Thursday. With my history of miscarriage, my wonderful doctor went ahead and just did and ultrasound. There was my precious baby, its heart beating like crazy and its body wiggly wonderfully! Tears ran down my face, and the nurse wiped at her eyes. The doctor was excited about how great things looked as well, and he had a hard time taking measurements because the baby wouldn't stop moving! Hooray! He was finally able to get the measurements, though, and baby is right on track. What a huge miracle and blessing! I'm like a giddy first-time mom with this pregnancy, showing anyone who will indulge me the fuzzy ultrasound pictures that barely even look like a human. Funny how much you can love a fuzzy little sorta-human looking blob!! I even tried to scan the ultrasound pics to post here, but couldn't get the scanner to work for some reason. I'll have to try again later, since I'm sure you're all very anxious to see the fuzzy little thing as well! :)

Thanksgiving/ Lindsey's Birthday

We had lots of reasons to be thankful and celebrate yesterday! First, because it was Thanksgiving, of course, and second, because it was also Lindsey's 8th Birthday! This was the first time her Birthday has fallen on Thanksgiving Day, and I wasn't sure how it would work out, but it was great. She had her party last week. It was a flower-themed late-night party. Her friends came in their p.j.'s and they all played games, decorated candy bags, and destroyed a flower pinata. They even got to stay until 9 p.m. (Lindsey thought that was wonderfully late :)).

The cake was Lindsey's idea. The "grass" part is chocolate cake baked in a loaf pan and sliced in a half length-wise. The "stems" and "leaves" are licorice and candy fruit slices, and the flowers are cupcakes with marshmallow petals.

Because her Birthday fell on Thanksgiving day, we had a cherry pie with candles in it instead of cake again. A wonderful part of Lindsey's Birthday is that Grandma Langford is here for a few weeks! Grandma made the cherry pie at Lindsey's request. :) The girls also enjoyed helping with the cherry, apple, and pumpkin pies. Thanks to my mom, Thanksgiving dinner was really wonderful and not stressful at all. We had most of the dinner ready the day before. Everything was delicious!! We thought a lot about all of the amazing things we have to be thankful for, including family, the gospel, our home, freedom, food to eat, and clothes to wear. (Taylor just kept saying he was thankful for basketball . :))

We look forward to the most important part of Lindsey turning 8- her baptism next week. It will be a wonderful day, with Grandma Langford, Aunt Kristine and her family, Grandma and Grandpa Roberts, Aunt Tami and her family, and Uncle Ken and his family all coming to celebrate Lindsey's special baptism day.

Blogging

Okay, so I don't update my blog very often. But that's because no one EVER leaves comments, so I assume it's not being read at all. So why bother? Then again, I started this to be able to keep a better history of our family events. So, I guess I will continue on....

No pics today-- gotta load all the latest and I'll do it after Halloween so that I can include those pictures, too.

We're doing well, aside from battling being sick. Luckily it was the regular flu and not H1N1, but it's still not so fun. Lindsey was sick first, just in time for Fall break (poor kid!). Taylor got it that Saturday, so it's a good thing we had cancelled our trip up north for him to participate in basketball for the Special Olympics. Breanna has been sick for the last few days, but seems to be doing much better today. They've pretty much just had fevers for a day or two, then a lingering cough. It's already been a pretty yucky flu season, and it's just begun. I don't know how I've felt about the flu shots for the kids, but maybe it's not such a bad idea.

Breanna's First Day of Kindergarten

This was Breanna's first day of Kindergarten, September 1st. She was so excited to start school after having to wait for a few weeks after the other kids started. Her teacher is Mrs. Ekker and Breanna loves her! She goes in the morning, and her cousin Logan is in her class. I just asked her what favorite thing about school is and she said, "recess"! :)

Breanna and Logan are famous! (kinda...)

This picture was in the local newspaper about a month ago. Breanna and her cousin Logan are crossing the street to Logan's house after getting off of the bus. This was Sept. 2, I think, the first day they rode the bus home from school. Below it was a paragraph about how volunteers from the Safety Solutions Coalition helped Kindergarteners learn how to safely cross the street after getting off the school bus. They were so excited to be in the paper! Breanna and Logan are in the same Kindergarten class and are great friends. Breanna spends about an hour at Logan's house everyday after school while I'm at work. Half of the time when I go to pick her up she wants Logan to come and play at our house! They are cute cousin-friends, and have practically grown up together since we moved here when Breanna was 2.